Well, the holidays are finally over and the ol' waistline has explored new vistas. pat pat It is time to declare another NATIONAL FAT WEEK. We shall tell skinny jokes and revel in our fat. I'm talking about you, chubby.
Fat people are healthier than skinny people in many ways... For instance, no fat person has ever been diagnosed as having vatorphobia. That, of course, is the fear of starving to death in a stuck elevator.
Hey, Odie! Look at this! It's snowing! Let's go out and catch snowflakes on our tongues! Here comes a world record! Ooo, that's a very impressive collection. Surprise boys! I fixed a feast for you! No thanks. We just ate. Urp.
You're shedding again. What am I supposed to do with all this cat hair? Knit the world's largest hairball. Trade it with your friends, start a mustache factory. This is going nowhere. Insulate your house! Filter your coffee!
Why are people afraid of mice? Bad press, I guess. Maybe it's because mice carried the black plague in 1348. I don't know what you're talking about. As I recall, half of Europe died. Picky, picky, picky.
Would you look at that mousetrap?! Barbaric, isn't it. You said it! A nice camembert or creamy brie would be worth going in after. BUT THAT PROCESSED AMERICAN CHEESE IS AN INSULT TO MY PALATE! Precisely what I was saying.
I have just taken an inventory of your refrigerator. !89 bottles of salad dressing with 1" in the bottom of each. 14 half empty bottles of catsup, 39 open cans of flat soda pop and 62 bread wrappers with the heels. ORGANIZE YOURSELF!SMACK!
It's time for your checkup, Garfield. I'll get checked-up while the lady vet gets checked out. We gotta make sure you're in good condition. Right. The only condition he's worried about is his glandular condition.
In case you're thinking about asking me out, doc, forget it. I have plans. I'm seeing this girl, ho is real cute and real clever and we laugh a lot. Do tell... My, my, my! Do I detect a note of jealousy in your voice? I walked into thatone?
You look much better this morning. You must be over the Hawaiian cat flu. I doubt that I ever had it. What would you like for breakfast? Just some juice and a Danish. And a roast pig! And six pineapples! And a pound of Macadamia nuts!
Hey, hey. Smile big, boys. I'm going to take your picture. Move back a little farther. Just a little farther. SHOOP! Uh-oh. There appears to be a camera shoved up your nose. Nas wha I min nrying noo nell you!
Z Z clickety clickety clickety. CLICKETY CLICKETY CLICKETY CLICKETY CLICKETY CLACK CLACK I'M AWAKE! I'M AWAKE! CLICKETY CLACK CLACK You've never done the Flamenco the get me up before. The castanets were a nice touch. That'sbecause I care.
I have a date with Mary Lou tonight and I'm going to charm her out of her socks. I'm going to play it real cool. I'm going to quote poetry and be real suave. She'll be putty in my hands. You tie is in your coffee.
It's time to get up. It's time to gorge myself. It's time to kick the dog. PUNT! It's time for a nap ion front of the television. It's time to eat my afternoon fern. It's time for my 14-hour beauty rest. I'm a creature ofhabit...all the bad ones.
Let's talk about the responsibilities an owner assumes when he obtains a cat. The first responsibility is to feed that cat. LATER! I guess we'll wait to discuss the second responsibility when we're in a little better mood.
Hey, Garfield, here's an article about a guy who thought he could fly by wearing a cape and jumping off a building. They scraped him off Fifth Avenue with a putty knife. I guess he learned his lesson. Yeah, he didn't believe.
Look at Jon's socks, they are all perfectly tucked and organized. Okay, socks, line up! Count off! FORWARD HARCH! ONE! TWO! THREE! FOURP! Stay away from my sock drawer, Garfield. You make me nervous. As you were.
Persons At Work How fortuitous, someone was kind enough to dig this hole for me. I'll cover it with these branches and play a little trick on Odie. Hey, Odie, have a bone. BOING! Something's not right here. OH NO! IT'S THE OLDRUBBER HOLE GAG!
Hey, Garfield! It's going to be a beautiful day! Let's spend it outside! Where are my swim trunks? There's suntan lotion in here somewhere. And now a picnic lunch! PERFECT DAY, HERE WE COME! Rats. Missed it.
* Eat me. I can't eat you. You're Jon's favorite fern. What are fronds for? I might get in trouble. Aw, come on. Take one little taste. You'll like me. MUNCH CHOMP MUNCH CHOMP GARFIELD! WHAT ARE YOU DOING?! Just trying to makeeverybody happy. Thank you.
Z Z Rats! I'm hungry. I always wake up in the middle of the night hungry. Oh well, let's look around. Hello, what's this? It feels like a big old loaf of pumpernickel. YIP! Sorry about that, Odie. All right! Olives! I love Olives! I
Pet Shop Look at all those poor animals in there all caged up. This looks like a job for... Freedom Fighter! YOU'RE FREE! YOU'RE FREE! GO FOR IT! Hmmm, folks must not be heavily into freedom these days. You're secure! You'resecure! SLAM!
Let's go to a movie tonight. Here's one about kids at a day-care center who save the world. It's been done. How about "Ninja Grandmother"? You're getting warmer. Here it is! "The Angry Mauve Planet" Sounds like a contemporary remake.
It knows where I am. I know it's here. I can feel its presence. There's no escaping it. Once it has you, you're a goner! Run for it, Garfield! Here it comes again! YOU WON'T TAKE ME WITHOUT A FIGHT. ARRRGH! Another victim of anap attack. Z
Garfield, you make a lovely fire. I do make a lovely fire. Well, I gotta get ready for my date. You enjoy your lovely fire. I'll enjoy my lovely fire. HEY! WHERE ARE ALL My BOW TIES?! They make a lovely fire.
Garfield, the world famous tomato soup diver, scours the murky depths in search of the elusive tomato guppy. QUICK! GIMME THAT CAMERA! For the first time in history the spawning habits of the tomato guppy are captured on film. CLICK
In-A-Gadda-Da-Vida, honey. And people think cats do strange things. I'm in the mood for love * Well, Garfield, how do I look? You don't like it, huh? Maybe if I changed my tie and my pants and my... Now what do you think? Great!
I have some words of wisdom to help you beat those old blues, buddy. He's gonna get cryptic again. Even a stopped clock is right twice a day. Oh, great...I'm going to be up all night figuring that one out.
You may not know this, Garfield, but I'm somewhat of an expert at reading tea leaves. Ah, yes, it says here you will have a long and fruitful life. Your owner is kind and generous, and you will travel soon. Any questions? May I have mycocoa back?
Well, if this isn't RX-2, the talking scale. How are you today, felly? I'm depressed. What could a scale possibly be depressed about? How would you like to be stepped on every day and called a liar? Good point.