bip bip boop beep boop - Hello, is Evelyn there? - What's that? She doesn't live there anymore? - She's hopped a freighter for Borneo? - She's forsworn all her material possessions and modern ways of living? - Wow. - She didn't mention that
"Moby Dick". - Big whale...obsessed sea captain...chase...fight...Ahab buys the farm, Moby swims into sunset. The End. - Tune in again for "Ten-Second Stories". Next week they're doing "War and Peace".
Greetings. - Every animal has a special place... - We cats favor windowsills. - The luxury of lying in the warm sunlight... - The panoramic view of the world...the passing parade of humanity. - - We cats favor the floor...
Jon, let's savor this moment. I have a banana in my ear. - Someday we'll remember when you tripped over me coming back from the grocery...and laugh! There are grapes in my nose. - These are the good old days! I'm going to kill you.
Enjoy your dinner, Garfield? Very tasty. - I call it "Back-of-the-fridge-bottom-shelf-behind-the-baking-soda stew". - I can only make it about once every five years. That's just a little bit more than I needed to know.
- ooooooooog... - gurgle argle argle - noogle argle gargle oogle - arguley doogley rarg-a- roog- oog- oog a-choob - It has a nice melody, but you can't dance to it. - Hungry cats have no sense of humor.
SLUP - My coffee's cold. - Boy, I hate cold coffee. Hate it, hate it, hate it. - Nopem there's nothing worse in the world than cold coffee. slap slap slap - I'll bet if I tried as hard as I could, I couldn't possibly think of anything worse
Sigh - We should do something. - How about mailing Mrs. Feeny's little dog to an obscure overseas nation with insufficient postage? - Or we could thumb wrestle for that last piece of cheesecake. - Or we could hijack an ice cream truck and
...we DID have some amazing footage of that downtown fire, but DAN in editing accidentally ERASED it... - So, instead of exciting fire footage, we present DAN in his undershirt and boxer shorts playing a comb with tissue paper: - ffft ** ffft
Let's check the ol' message machine. click - *beep*...Jon, this is Cindy. I've changed my name. You'll never find me! Ha! Ha! Ha! - *beep* ...Jon?...Marsha...I can't date you because I'm allergic toboring. - *beep*...Jon, thi is Nancy. Don't
Went with the lowest bidder. Beware of Dog - Ah, the simple, direct approach. Beware of DOG - Self-explanatory. Beware of DUMB MUTT - High-tech mixed breed. Beware of |||||||| - No threat there. Beware of Poochie. - - I believe we have a
Sigh . - These are the days that I love. - Days when you can lie in one spot from sunrise to sunset, while absolutely nothing happens. - No crises, no accomplishments, no nothing. - Just yourself and a quiet, serene, and peaceful day. - - He
I want you to squish my lousy no-good husband! - Then I want you to pound him into mulch, and the rip his legs off and stuff them down his craw! - He gave you vacuum cleaner bags for your wedding anniversary again, didn't he? CANISTER bags!
click - Welcome to "Collegiate Face Slapping"! - Good luck, gentlemen. Shake hands and come out slapping! - * ding:: slap slap slap slap slappy slappy slap slap slappity slappity slap *poink* Uh-oh! We have a penalty flag. - So, sorry,
slam! - I just passed Mrs. Feeny on the sidewalk. - Her arm was in a sling. She was wearing a neck brace. - She had a walking cast... - And her jaw was wired shut. - She gave me a very nasty look. - You wouldn't know anything about tthis,
I am so VERY sorry... - That was Mrs Feeny again. Do tell. - Why do you torture that woman so? Because she's there. - ...hiding her dentures?! She bites when she's angry. - Sneaking her little dog laxative-laced bran muffins?! What's so
- Hey, cat... - I've been thinking a lot about my mortality lately. Oh? - Yeah, is the afterlife a continuation of the journey of one's spirit, or is it more of an ephemeral thing?... - Could it be a new beginning?...A portal to a new and
- Ahhh...there she is. - A little to the left... - A little more...that's it... - A liiiiiiiitle more... - *snap* THUD WOOOOOOH! - WHO dug the the tiger trap in Mrs. Feeny's flower bed?! WEEEEEEE I love sirens.
"Dear Jonathan G. Arbuckle," - "a /very/ Happy Holidays /to you/, Jonathan Q. Arbuckle, /and yours on this, the most joyous time of year/, Jonathan Q. Arbuckle." - How sweet. He loves the folks at the insurance company.
We now return to "Edward Fernbergle, The Certified Public Accountant Who Saved Chistmas". - * RIIING * RIIING Hello? - Santa, the elves have been skimming from petty cash! Ed! You've saved us! Slap them in tiny irons!
Hi, mom! - Just called to wish you happy holidays, mom! Wha?...yes, I ate just a few hours ago...hmm? Who? Sure! Put him on! - Hi'ya, dad! Happy holidays! ...I'm fine...yep, changed my oil last week...grandma? Sure! Put her on! - Hi, grandma!
I'm going out to hang the Christmas lights on the house. - Remember now... I know, I know... - If I hear a scream, call the fire department. For a scream and a "bzzzt," call the power company. For a scream, a "bzzzt" and a "thud", call an
Can you believe it?! Patti broke our date, and now I'm stuck with two tickets to the new year's eve dance! - Now what do I do? Duh... - Go stag, scalp the other ticket at the door, and buy me something.