bip bip boop beep boop Hello, is Evelyn there? What's that? She doesn't live there anymore? She's hopped a freighter for Borneo? She's forsworn all her material possessions and modern ways of living? Wow. She didn't mention thaton our date last night. You
Greetings. Every animal has a special place... We cats favor windowsills. The luxury of lying in the warm sunlight... The panoramic view of the world...the passing parade of humanity. We cats favor the floor...
Jon, let's savor this moment. I have a banana in my ear. Someday we'll remember when you tripped over me coming back from the grocery...and laugh! There are grapes in my nose. These are the good old days! I'm going to kill you.
Enjoy your dinner, Garfield? Very tasty. I call it "Back-of-the-fridge-bottom-shelf-behind-the-baking-soda stew". I can only make it about once every five years. That's just a little bit more than I needed to know.
SLUP My coffee's cold. Boy, I hate cold coffee. Hate it, hate it, hate it. Nopem there's nothing worse in the world than cold coffee. slap slap slap I'll bet if I tried as hard as I could, I couldn't possibly think of anything worsethan cold coffee. twitc
Sigh We should do something. How about mailing Mrs. Feeny's little dog to an obscure overseas nation with insufficient postage? Or we could thumb wrestle for that last piece of cheesecake. Or we could hijack an ice cream truck andhold the driver hostage f
...we DID have some amazing footage of that downtown fire, but DAN in editing accidentally ERASED it... So, instead of exciting fire footage, we present DAN in his undershirt and boxer shorts playing a comb with tissue paper: ffft ** ffft** ffft ** I'd ta
Let's check the ol' message machine. click *beep*...Jon, this is Cindy. I've changed my name. You'll never find me! Ha! Ha! Ha! *beep* ...Jon?...Marsha...I can't date you because I'm allergic toboring. *beep*...Jon, thi is Nancy. Don'tcome over. You'll ne
Went with the lowest bidder. Beware of Dog Ah, the simple, direct approach. Beware of DOG Self-explanatory. Beware of DUMB MUTT High-tech mixed breed. Beware of |||||||| No threat there. Beware of Poochie. I believe we have awinner.
Sigh . These are the days that I love. Days when you can lie in one spot from sunrise to sunset, while absolutely nothing happens. No crises, no accomplishments, no nothing. Just yourself and a quiet, serene, and peaceful day. Hefollowed me home. Can I ke
I want you to squish my lousy no-good husband! Then I want you to pound him into mulch, and the rip his legs off and stuff them down his craw! He gave you vacuum cleaner bags for your wedding anniversary again, didn't he? CANISTER bags!...and I have an up
click Welcome to "Collegiate Face Slapping"! Good luck, gentlemen. Shake hands and come out slapping! * ding:: slap slap slap slap slappy slappy slap slap slappity slappity slap *poink* Uh-oh! We have a penalty flag. So, sorry,contestant number
slam! I just passed Mrs. Feeny on the sidewalk. Her arm was in a sling. She was wearing a neck brace. She had a walking cast... And her jaw was wired shut. She gave me a very nasty look. You wouldn't know anything about tthis,would you? No, An I don't kno
I am so VERY sorry... That was Mrs Feeny again. Do tell. Why do you torture that woman so? Because she's there. ...hiding her dentures?! She bites when she's angry. Sneaking her little dog laxative-laced bran muffins?! What's soirregular about that? ...so
Hey, cat... I've been thinking a lot about my mortality lately. Oh? Yeah, is the afterlife a continuation of the journey of one's spirit, or is it more of an ephemeral thing?... Could it be a new beginning?...A portal to a new andbetter place?... SLAP Se
"Dear Jonathan G. Arbuckle," "a /very/ Happy Holidays /to you/, Jonathan Q. Arbuckle, /and yours on this, the most joyous time of year/, Jonathan Q. Arbuckle." How sweet. He loves the folks at the insurance company.
We now return to "Edward Fernbergle, The Certified Public Accountant Who Saved Chistmas". * RIIING * RIIING Hello? Santa, the elves have been skimming from petty cash! Ed! You've saved us! Slap them in tiny irons!
Hi, mom! Just called to wish you happy holidays, mom! Wha?...yes, I ate just a few hours ago...hmm? Who? Sure! Put him on! Hi'ya, dad! Happy holidays! ...I'm fine...yep, changed my oil last week...grandma? Sure! Put her on! Hi, grandma!...I said HI!! ...n
I'm going out to hang the Christmas lights on the house. Remember now... I know, I know... If I hear a scream, call the fire department. For a scream and a "bzzzt," call the power company. For a scream, a "bzzzt" and a "thud"