This is Mrs. Spittle, my third grade teacher. She hated me. She made me take summer school. She was okay, I guess. ...thus the lovingly rendered horns, goatee, and blacked-out tooth...
1 May 2001
PLay dead, Odie! Good boy! Now, stay.
2 May 2001
A what?...on your WHAT?! Yes, Mrs. Feeny, I'll look into it. DEAD GERBIL ON HER GLIDER?! Not my work. Way too obvious.
3 May 2001
Uh-oh. Bad sign. Jon's kite came home without him.
4 May 2001
Good coffee. Hot coffee. Here it comes... Gooooooood hot coffee. Sigh.
5 May 2001
bzzzzzzz ...and to your right is a house cat. Now let's move to the living room. Do you feel a draft? You lef tthe door open, dipwad.
6 May 2001
When I look around the room and see how dirty it is... I think it's time we do something about it. Got the blindfolds right here. Gimme the blue one.
7 May 2001
I'm going to meditate. You do that. Z I could use a little meditation myself.
8 May 2001
Who wants to have fun? Not me! Not me! Mr. Ball of Yarn needs some attention. You two have a lovely life together.
9 May 2001
A great new store opened up, Garfield! It's called "Create-A-Pet". I now have a bunny! Who maims.
10 May 2001
Hey, Tima, I'm throwing a party saturday night. Want tom come? YEEES, I'll be there. Party pooper.
11 May 2001
Garfield, weekends are my time to rear back and howl! Close. ...lie down and giggle? Closer. ...crawl into a fetal position and whimper? There you go.
12 May 2001
Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z If sleeping is an art, then I'm a masterpiece.
13 May 2001
click (drivel) click (nonsense) (nonsensical drivel) At last!
14 May 2001
This is one long movie. It's going on like, FOREVER! Where's the remote? You're sitting on the pause button, techno boy.
15 May 2001
Welcome to "Recycle that Roadkill." What have we got tonight, Bob? Hard to tell, Chuck...he's pretty flat... Might make a nice coaster. With great big eyes.
16 May 2001
And your avocation, sir, is? I squish spiders. Care to demonstrate? Certainly. SQUISH! Lousy form. No follow-through at all.
17 May 2001
...we DID have some amazing footage of that downtown fire, but DAN in editing accidentally ERASED it... So, instead of exciting fire footage, we present DAN in his undershirt and boxer shorts playing a comb with tissue paper: ffft ** ffft** ffft ** I'd ta
18 May 2001
Z Z Z Z This has been "Nap Along with Fluffy". YAWN
19 May 2001
Let's check the ol' message machine. click *beep*...Jon, this is Cindy. I've changed my name. You'll never find me! Ha! Ha! Ha! *beep* ...Jon?...Marsha...I can't date you because I'm allergic toboring. *beep*...Jon, thi is Nancy. Don'tcome over. You'll ne
20 May 2001
SMACK Spring is here... The first robin of the season just flew into the picture window.
21 May 2001
Don't you love springtime, Garfield? The warmth...thle flowers. Even you are smiling! I have a mouth full of butterflies.
22 May 2001
I pushed Odie off the roof! Fortunately, his fall was broken when he landed on Jon. Come closer, Garfield. Look, Odie! He crawled in here all by himself!
23 May 2001
Garfield, you sleep too much. I have a condition. And there's a name for that. "Exerciseophobia". Lazy! The fear of sweat.
24 May 2001
There was a cookie on this plate a minute ago... And I want to know where it went! It's enjoying the company of the missing pork chop.
25 May 2001
This cat food contains tuna-flavored chicken... That looks like beef. I prefer the beef-flavored tuna that looks like chicken.
26 May 2001
How's it going, Giant Hamburger? Giant Hamburger? You're dreaming. That's what I assumed. NEVER ASSUME!
27 May 2001
Here are your menus, hon. I love diners. Oooh, I have a heartburn already! I'm in deep-fried heaven.
28 May 2001
Hmm...the green-bean burrito looks good... Sorry, we're out of that. I owe you one, Irma.
29 May 2001
Would you like extra horseradish sauce on your garlic-onion-sardine sandwich? Sure. No goodnight kiss for you.
30 May 2001
There's a note in my sandwich. It says, "inspected by number 23". They inspected my tuna melt? That, or the cook's wearing a new shirt.
31 May 2001