Ellen, I would ford the mightiest river for you! Aha? ...all right. She's checking her atlas for piranha-infested tributaries. It pays to do your homework.
1 March 2002
-and after I tied my shoe, I tied the other one... Then I thought about standing up... Then I stood up. It actually takes Jon longer to tell about his day than to live it.
2 March 2002
3 March 2002
Two steak dinners, and make mine medium. And your buddy's? Moo. Rare. Check.
4 March 2002
Hmm...I can't decide between the chicken or the fish... BUC-BUC BUC-COUGH KAFF KAFF KAFF BUC Try the fish.
5 March 2002
Don't you two ever want to sit in a booth? Oh, no! Never! Why not? SPIIIIIIINNNN
6 March 2002
Here's your tossed salad. Thanks. Would you like fresh-ground pepper on that? HA! HA! HA! HA! WAH-HA! HA! Diner humor.
7 March 2002
What's the catch of the day? Pan-fried ugly fish. Uhhhcan you serve it without its head? No. Why not? 'cause then it wouldn't be UGLY now, would it?
8 March 2002
How are your ribs? Ticklish. I meant your beef ribs. Don't know, hon. I've never tickled a cow. You don't know what you're missing. I'm not with this man.
9 March 2002
peck peck peck -
10 March 2002
Some days everything goes right. SMACK! I mean wrong.
11 March 2002
Burp You don't have to save those for me! What's mine is yours.
12 March 2002
No more, and that's final! SCHLOP!
13 March 2002
That brownie has been mold growing on it. Making it count as vegetable.
14 March 2002
Ellen, I was wondering... What if we were the last two people on earth? Humanity is doomed. And cats will rule the world!
15 March 2002
You've just won ten million dollars! SLAM! Who was it? It wasn't the pizza guy.
16 March 2002
WAA! HOOOO! WOOOOH! NYAAAH! Ah-ha. GAAAHHH! Hot elastic. GHEEEEE! Annnd, he's in the front yard. EEEEK!! Somebody call a cop!
17 March 2002
I'm going to make fun of dogs! Maybe I'll go home and make fun of dogs over the Internet.
18 March 2002
You can't catch me! Uh, are those new running shoes? What happened to your tail? It's a victim of new innovations in athletic footwear.
19 March 2002
Beware Of The Vicious Dog ...The Really Huge Violence-Prone Teeth-Gnashing Dog You okay? I can't stand the pressure!
20 March 2002
Check out these sharp teeth! Whoa... How about these claws? Ooo... We've decided to gang up on the mailman.
21 March 2002
Beware Of Dog! Who Am I Kidding? The Thing's A Disgrace. Please DO Not Kick The Dog This is almost sad.
22 March 2002
Beware Of Gophers pook pook pook
23 March 2002
Hey, turkey leg! Where are you going? I have been a leftover for three weks now! I know when I'm not wanted! I'm leaving! Tell me I didn't see that. He's just feeling unloved. Let's eat him.
24 March 2002
Look at you, you pig... Why, I bet you have more fat than muscle. You take that back.
25 March 2002
Don't blink. Tol' ja.
26 March 2002
My hidden camera took there pictures of you stealing the last donut! Hmm. Okay, I'd like an 8x10 of this one and some wallet-sized prints of these.
27 March 2002
Odie SPLUT! Food Coach Open your mouth FIRST!
28 March 2002
Whaddaya think? You're wearing that...to a monster truck rally? To meet a blind date with a gold tooth? -
29 March 2002
Garfield! Get your paw out of the cookie jar! Who taught you that gesture?! You, in the car, when you drive.
30 March 2002
flap flap flap flap ...keep...window...closed...
31 March 2002