Sending a text to Liz... "How do I love thee? Let me text the ways". tap tap Oops! I sent that to Mrs. Feeny by mistake. Poor Jon. ping! Mrs. Feeny is wondering what I'm doing saturday night. Poor Mrs. Feeny.
. Sorry I'm late. You're not late. I'm not? Nope, right on time. Are you sure? Absolutely. Well, darn. I had a really good excuse. Go ahead. There was this fire-breathing dogcatcher... Get to the "really good" part.
* Yoooooo-hoooooo You haven't weighed yourself in a while. Why should I? All you do is insult me! Oh, I do not! Oh, yes you do! Every time I step on you, you make fun of my weight! Prove it! Fine! Wow. Wow what? You're a SUCKER,too, fat boy.
Wha?!... Hello, I'm a frozen caveman from the last ice age. And now I'm all thawed out! So this is the modern world, huh? This is it. What's that? Modern man. Well, back to the glacier. Have a nice nap.
"To lose weight, you need to burn calories." "Walking a mile burns 100 calories. Swimming burns 500 calories an hour." Lying there burns zero calories! How many calories can I burn by smacking you with a diet book?
Jon? Hi, Liz. Jon, you look TERRIBLE! I know. I haven't been able to take a bath for three days. Why? Are you sick? No. Is it a plumbing problem?...did you forget to pay your water bill? Well, WHY, then?! Found it.
BANG! BANG! BANG! Arrgh! The nail's bent! BANG! BANG! BANG! Agghhh! Hole in the wall! Ow! Plaster in my eye! And thus we herald Jon't time-honored tradition of christmas decoration and home demolition.